Nicholas

Last time… i keep asking and wondering why people write blog? I find it weird and no point writing one… but now… i have a different view..as i start to write one le.. this time.. i feel like i am writing a diary but a diary that i share wif everyone….

I had a headache…as i am trap between a problem…A problems that i start  it and i am trying my best to put an end to it….

Since my last bad relationship…. I realise my short-coming… i am a type of guy who can totally devoted to my love one and becoz of that i have forgoes alot of my precious friends…I felt regretful and painful for that…. this time… i tell myself i will change…..

As now in army…due to the tied shedule..of working in a 5 1/2 day week, i do not have much time to open up my circle of friends and becoz of that my friends are little…but this lil grp of friends are not my friends…they are my buddies… felt so lucky to have them… Thanks God! haha

Now, as i have a chance to took a one month breaks….this is also my only time where i am so free that i can do watever stuff i like.I also felt that at this moment…. i just need accompany.. just any people…who can accompany me and i am glad if anyone appears….especially when my buddies Tung,Jane and zhimin are not ard….. and this person accompany me…

So at this particular moment…. A special lady had walked into my life… really step in at the rite moment and at the rite timing…. She lend me her ears and kept me entertained…I think my life start to have more meaning and life in it…. I just let my feeling or emotion lead my way and till one day… christmas nite… where zhimin trigger off my thoughts… he let me realise alot of things….He didn`t say much …is just i think too deep and too much and i spent the whole nite thinking abt that lady and me…..What i looking for and what i wan….wat is struggling inside me….

Loneliness may be a key.. .and at first… i wanna be a bastards and try to win that lady hearts and let her accompanied me till i ord or enter university….and where i will be Free… and have her….to acc me tru my army life….and i can let is be a test on  the relationship. As i feel that been to serious in any relationship may not end up to have a good ending…so why dun take it lightly and do watever stuff we like..as long as we are happy and be good.. so just do it....sound alright at first…but i still can`t win myself over it… therefore…. i am resisted about it and i decided to slap myself and fuck that evil thoughts….I can`t do it as this lady is a very good girl… too good that i wan to keep and add on to my list of buddies…. I rather add her to my long term list then taking a risk…..

As in my heart… i know wat type of girl i wan and i`m looking for… and i will not rest till i find that perfect ideal lady who can really melt my heart totally…i know that she may not exist…maybe not now or even future…but i just cannot force myself to get involved in a relationship where i know that i will not put in 100% to her at the start… that is unfair to her and i feel that she deserve more…So i know that i really cannot be that bastard who ruin one nice gal… NONO Never…I rather withdraws and let this  crush be faded and be gone….

Really hope that this lady will not hate me for fooling her as maybe i gave lots of wrong hint to her from time to time….I actually waken up till that very christmas…

Quite lost now….i had lost the ability to analyse others where i always do..

Feel so bad abt myself… haha a little disgraced abt it to share wif other… but i really hope that this action of withdrawal now will save me from hurting that lady even more in future….

Please forgive me…….

Hope that i did the right thing!

Wish her all the best in everything and not to meet another wenhao!!

This entry was posted on Monday, December 26th, 2005 at 2:09 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.